I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
