Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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