I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The air was thick with penises
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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