My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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