textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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