Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You're like the curious george of whores
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
