NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize