I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
