Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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