my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
