I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
