i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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