mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Are these your boobs on my camera?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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