You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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