I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
