apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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