haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Screwed.edu
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
