her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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