It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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