I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i've created a new STD.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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