Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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