My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
