If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
