Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
