So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
