having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
