the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
