her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
