i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
