i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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