All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
