People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
