This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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