You really coming over, don't trick.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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