Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
