Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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