I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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