your parents love me but you hate me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
