where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
