I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
