god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
