we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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