If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
