i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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