I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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