Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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