I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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