I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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