I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
