So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
