The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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