My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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