Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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