Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I AM VODKA MAN
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
