Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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