At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
