i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
