Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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