Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
