Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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